struggling-skip if u want happy

Hmmm...today is my day for self pity. It was 3 weeks yesterday, my energy level is a bit better but what the hell does it matter? It hurts so bad today, feels like my skin is being ripped apart. I lubed it up well with Vitamin E & emu oil, that helped with the tight feeling on the surface, but every time I move my arm it feels as if my chest is going to rip open.

I wanted to go out last night, but I am sure it is a bad idea. I hate the bar scene anyway so it is really a mind boggling thing to be pouty about. My problems are all electrical, structurally my heart is perfect...but drinking dehydrates & in turn makes the block more pertinent the next day.
It has been 3 weeks!

Also. I hate feeling the PM work. It feels like something you would see a doctor for. Like a problem, not a solution. It is nice to know that there isnt a loose lead or anything, but so hard to feel. How do you get used to these odd/uncomfortable feelings? At what point does the worrying leave, is it really possible that someday I may not notice it? Does that happen?
I should feel substantially better, it can not really take this long to heal. I feel like I am drowning in my pity.

I want to feel like a normal person! Apparently I had unrealistic expectations of how this was all going to work. I want to feel good, I am being a baby...feeling sorry for myself, being pessimistic...like Brooke said in a post a day or so ago...I am normally optimistic. Normally cheerful, but am stuck in super cry mode for some reason.

I can't parent my kids, I was "sick' and unavailable for so long, I felt like i was watching them live their lives, not really being a part. now, my husband is back to work, I don't have enough energy for them, they don't listen. They are arguing & being nasty to each other, bringing me tons of little stupid problems. I don't know what to do. I feel like a huge idiot! I want to be normal again! I used to know how to talk to my kids. Now I seem to have lost all skills, I send them to their rooms when I dont know what else to do so I don't yell or say something stupid. I was a good parent, now I am braindead!

When or ever will I feel like a person who doesn't have a piece of metal in their chest...will I ever feel like I am not a freak? An old neighbor came over for dinner the other night, she looked at it & shuddered, said it was horrible & disgusting. Up until then I thought it looked pretty good. I was staying optimistic that it would get better! Not to be vain, but that is hard to hear! I don't want to be disgusting! I don't want to be ugly or horrible! I want to be normal again!

Wow, I feel better now that I got it all off my chest. I really just want to go lie down in bed & cry. I can't though...I have all these little boys. It feels so hopeless right, now!

I love you all, I love this site, I love the support.

Thanks~
Jessi

8 Comments

know how you feel

by nat36 - 2010-03-18 06:03:30

I think everyone hear knows how you feel and has had days like that. You are still trying to come to terms with this. Don't beat yourself up. I have not had my pacemaker a year yet and still have some of those days. I think it took me longer than some to recover from the surgery. At three weeks I was still sore and my incision looked awful. Now you can barely see it. The change in how it looks from how it did is amazing. So on that note, you just have to give it time. Mine did not start looking good until a few months after.
Like you I also did not start feeling better right away and still struggle with that. I am having more good days now. Try to take it one day at a time and if you feel good one day do a little more and if you feel bad rest more. I know right now everyday is still a bad day but that will get better. I felt exactly the same way about my kids living really without my involvement and that is tough. It will get better.
I have always been able to feel my pacer when it works also. The nurses and doctor think I must be feeling something else and always tell me you can't feel it but you can! You do get where you don't notice it as much.
So I guess what I am trying to say is that this is going to take some time. Three weeks is not long at all. If you need to talk send me a message:)
Hope you have a better day tomorrow!!

Re: to Jessi

by LS - 2010-03-18 07:03:22

Jessi, Jessi, Jessi. I wish you lived close to me. I'd help you with your boys. :)
Now, you need to sit your self down & have a talk with you. We are the only ones in charge of our happiness. We decide how we're going to react to different situations. Yes, life hands us crap each & every day of our lives. We can either step in it, or step around it. (I usually choose the latter) ;)
You're alive! You are here for your boys. I'm sure the funk will pass, and then it will return other days.
I won't say, "Snap out of it.", but learn how to deal with it.
If you need a girls night out, take it!
It's hard being a 24/7 Mom, and then add this to it, I understand. But you need to be the best you can be for you & your family. Emotionally & physically.
Good luck to you sweetie.
{{{Jessi}}}
Liz

Luv you!

by Jules1983 - 2010-03-18 09:03:10

I've never me you but already feel like we know eachother so well! I feel as though we've helped eachother through such a difficult time. We've exchanged tips and idea's on everything from parenting to healing. We have so much in common. I hope you know how much of a pillar of support you have been for me and i'm sure you have been for others aswell! You are an awesome mother, wife and friend! You cheer me up when I am down and I know you are strong enough to do anything you put your mind to! Surround yourself with awesome people!. Luv you!

Hugs Jessi

by heartu - 2010-03-18 09:03:27

I had written a meaningful post, but then it went POOF!
A friend just sent this to me so I thought I'd pass it one:

This year we have truly learned...

"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass....

it's about learning how to dance in the rain."


Be kinder than necessary,

Because everyone you meet

Is fighting some kind of battle

Love you too

by JessiWay - 2010-03-18 10:03:32

I love you, too! Thank you all, what a rough day. I had another gross comment...maybe those will get easier. Thank you all for the wonderful support! Thank you, thank you!!!

I just had to post this

by ElectricFrank - 2010-03-19 03:03:50

This is from a cartoon showing a mother talking to her child.

"Remember, when life gives you lemons, whine and pout and cry until life can't take it any more and gives you cookies just to shut you up"

frank

Jessi, it'll be okay.

by nightengale - 2010-03-21 05:03:30

Hi Jessi-
Geez, you've got it comin' at ya from all sides. Okay, first take a breath. It's going to be okay, alright? They say time heals all and it's true. Each of us progress at our own pace, some will heal sooner than others, and some will have a larger scar than others, but dang! You will start to feel better. Hopefully, your husband can take over when he gets home from work. Are there any neighbors or family close by who could help? If not, (I don't know the ages of your children) is there a child care close by? If not, than grab the bull by the horns. Sit your children down and tell them you're not feeling well and see if you can give them some jobs to help you out, y'know little stuff, but stuff that makes them feel like they're helping Mom. Are they still young enough to need naps? You could nap too.
Instead of looking at negatives, make yourself look at positives. The pacemaker is going to help and you will begin to feel better. Having a pacemaker does NOT make you a freak!! Having a pacemaker means your heart needs a little help. I actually feel safer knowing I have a pacemaker that allows me to clear previous hurdles I encountered on a daily bases. Syncope without warning, severe SOB (shortness of breath), chest pain, I mean I was a mess! I didn't feel a great deal better for about 3-4 weeks, and then with each day a little better. Has it fixed all my problems, no, of course not. But I know I am physically better because of it. Are you remembering to not lift the arm on the side of the pacemaker for 6 weeks? Gotta do it, or pay the piper By the way, give me the name of the woman who gave such a terrible spin on her take of the pm site. I'd like to inform her that remark was rude, disheartening, and shoot, just not called for!!
Ya gotta get on top of this one. You will have good days and you will have bad days. There will be nights you won't sleep all that well. And there will be days ya just want to sit down and cry, and ya know what? Do it. Sit down and cry. It's okay, heck ya might just feel better. Cry out your anxiety and worries, man just get it all out. Then put some cool water on your face, stand up tall and take control. You can do it. I don't know you, but I know you will regain control. Be positive, be thankful, be glad to be a Mom and wife. Have your husband take your children to the Zoo or just out for lunch, and you go to bed and sleep 'til they get home. Do something for you. Positive thoughts woman. Take care Jessi.

2 1/2 months later . . .

by Nonnie66 - 2010-03-29 11:03:25

Jessi,
It has been about 2 1/2 months since I had my pacemaker put in. After the first two weeks the site swelled up and I thought something was really wrong - went to the Dr. and he said, "that little bit?". I am a nurse and if one of my patients had swelling that looked like mine I would have called the doctor to come look at it. Anyway . . . it is now later and the swelling went away, the scar is already lightening up, the pacemaker outline can still be seen but not so bad, and the pain is a lot better. I would guess that yours will get better too. Sounds all of the daily tasks are wearing you out - find a way to pamper yourself and don't let the neighbor's comments get to you. Just remember to take one day at a time and stop to think about what that pacemaker has done for you.

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