Sorry...

• by Lulu Moppet
• 2010-07-08 08:07:03
• Surgery & Recovery
• 1619 views
• 7 comments

...for not being upbeat. Many people on this forum were kind and helpful before my PM implant 2 days ago. I appreciate that and don't want to upset anyone else who might be facing a PM. I can't be positive, though. The experience was a nightmare. I'm terrified of needles and have had some bad experiences with medical professionals who ranged from cold to downright mean. The thought of local anesthesia and a machine implanted in my chest was horrifying. The night before the surgery, I decided I wasn't going through with it and felt quite at peace with my decision. My husband, who (God knows why) wants me around, begged me to have the procedure. I finally agreed, planning to commit suicide after he went to sleep, but he watched me like a hawk all night. Sleepless and numb, I kept going through the motions, and ended up in pre-op in full panic attack, crying and begging them to leave me alone and let me die in peace if need be. They gave me Valium (which I shouldn't have taken; it just impaired my ability to explain my feelings) and said they'd have the cardiologist come talk to me. He did--he snarled at me. He's well known for his miserable bedside manner, but everyone said he was the best at this. In all fairness, I snapped at him, thanking him for his "warmth," and told him how terrified he was. He didn't care. While we were sparring, the nurse shoved an IV in my vein and it was too late. They gave me versed through the IV, but I felt every injection, every cut, the insertion of the wires, every suture. It was as primitive as pre-anesthesia days. I kept asking them why (my head was covered by a tent thing) but they just gave me more and more Versed--I later found out it was the most he'd ever given anyone (I'm 5'2, 133 lbs.). I also learned later from the cardiologist's PA (who has human feelings) that panic releases the body's "fight or flight" chemistry; I was so freaked out that neither the Versed or the local was able to work.

This was one of the worst experiences of my life. I'll never forget or get past it. I had panic attacks afterward in the hospital afterward; they wouldn't let me leave until I agreed to see a psychiatrist. Ironically, I've been seeing one for years, and he and I had agreed a couple of months ago that I didn't need more therapy--I'd felt happy and at peace for some time until this happened. I agreed, and they let me come home. Obviously, I'm deeply depressed.

I've had major surgery before with general anesthesia and done just fine, but this surgeon says it's dangerous for this procedure, though many people on this board say they had it.

I will never allow myself to be hospitalized again for any reason if I can possibly prevent it. If the battery on this device fails, or other complications occur, I will not allow it to be replaced. Perhaps if you have no phobias, and you're confident about dealing with arrogant, patronizing medical professionals, the PM will be the breeze, or minor discomfort, that it was for so many. For me, it was hell. Having my heart stop for 10 seconds, as it apparently does, or permanently, would have been infinitely better.