need to vent......

I have been doing well,latley,atleast in my opinion.
But,a short time ago,I was overwhelmed with thoughts......
I havent worked full time in a month,therefore,no income,have to ask my husband for money for small things,and have to tell him he needs to pay bills,which I normally take care of,and cant,since Im not working.I hate this.Not that I make a ton of money,but a month off sure hurts the wallet,once again,hate this!
I feel like a prisoner in my own body.I cant do day to day things at home that I have always done,and that need done.Hate,hate hate this too.It sucks big time,having your body basically fail you,by restricting your life.
I really am pissed off right now,sorry but need to get this off my brain,after all these thoughts started to roll,so did the water works.
My husband doesnt know whats wrong,I dont feel like I can tell him these feelings,that Im so frustrated that my health has made me feel like Ive betrayed myself as well as my family.
Financially this isnt a good time to be out of work,although when is?Never.I cant even imagine what all this is going to cost us,out of pocket,when our seemingly good insurance pays their part,which is alot,but ours is still going to be enough,didnt plan for this,thats for sure.
And now,I feel somewhat better,knowing anyone who reads this probably has an inckling of what Im feeling now.
Basically that my body,my health has betrayed me,and what I thought was going out of my 40's in less than a year feeling good,working out and getting into good shape,isnt what is happening now.I was doing well,and now this.Just isnt right,regardless I cant change it,and I want to.
I know this is all post surgery healing stuff,emotional as well as physical.
I wish my family could grasp how I feel.
Guess its not their fault.

8 Comments

kindred spirits

by Joleen228 - 2012-07-22 09:07:26

OhioLaura
I think you and I must be feeling the same way. I posted basically at the same time as you. I understand completely. I just spent some time putting our truck and camper for sale on craig's list because I can't even go camping and even if I did, we really can't afford it anymore. I've given up, and I need to get back in the game and start fighting... I just don't know if I have another round in me. I will be thinking of you. I wish I could think of something that would make you smile ;)

Hi

by Jax - 2012-07-22 10:07:31

There are times in our lives that we are overwhelmed

I can just tell you to take one day at a time. I went back to work at about 6 wks. I am a lefty and with the pm on my left side I found it hard to write. I went to work part time at first and did the best I could. You will feel better in a little bit and things have a way a working out.

My husband is a very sweet and wonderful man and i felt he really didn't understand what I was going through

I'm not finished

by Jax - 2012-07-22 10:07:35

I know it's frustrating not to be able to do ur normal household chores. I was sooo frustrated. I had a hard time even washing dishes, cooking- forget it ,changing the cat litter- nope. It's been three months and I'm back to my normal life.

You will work everything out.

Tell him

by Grateful Heart - 2012-07-22 11:07:41

your husband...he already knows something is wrong. Explain your feelings and concerns, he may ease some of them for you. You are in this together, you would want to know if it was reversed right.

It takes some time to feel better and we are fortunate that we have been given more time.

Question

by ElectricFrank - 2012-07-23 12:07:36

Are you still out of work because of pain or problems. Or is it due to the doctors restrictions on raising your arm?

If it is is the doctors restrictions you should be back at it very soon. The down time varies a lot between doctors. The only instructions I ever had was to keep my arm down until I had my follow up appt in about 10 days. So a couple of weeks later I was out banging around in my Jeep. Other docs will say 8 weeks.

Meantime, look at the person in the bathroom mirror and feel sorry for them. Only you knows how you feel and can do it properly. I'm not trying to be sarcastic. I use that approach myself ever so often.

best wishes,

frank

frank

Sit down on this footlocker, here...

by donr - 2012-07-23 12:07:43

...I'm gonna counsel you! You say "Huh?"

Well, back in the "Old Army," up until the mid Viet Nam era, soldiers lived in barracks, slept in double-decker bunks & each soldier had a footlocker at one end of the bed or another. The private soldiers had but few personal possessions & life was pretty spartan. Until you made sergeant, you never had a private room - & you didn't make sergeant very fast. I was an exalted Second Lieutenant back then, & lived off post w/ my wife. Back in the unit I had a desk - no chair, but I had a desk. (That's as it should be, trust me.) Anyway - you wanted to counsel some soldier who had/was in trouble & you shared a footlocker & everyone else knew to make themselves scarce. Generally "Footlocker Counseling" was performed by sergeants & was greatly feared by the troops. Lieutenants were pushovers, compared to sergeants. MOF, second lieutenants were subject to very informal counseling by higher ranking sergeants when they screwed up royally, (Please don't ask me how I know.) & it was greatly feared.

So, Laura, sit down on this footlocker for a small chat - everyone else - "Beat it!"

As soon as I read your post, I realized it was SUNDAY PM! How did I know? Because your mood went into a deeeeep, dark, abysmal FUNK!

Was it you that commented once a week or so ago that you seemed to get anxious, etc in the evenings? Guess what - evenings & Sunday afternoons/evenings are often the nadir of the existence of anxious people. A period of activity is drawing to a close - activity that has kept your mind active & diverted from your troubles - the mind id freed up & horrible thoughts start filling the void. Remember the wisdom of Grandma, who probably said "Idle hands are the Devil's workshop."? Well guess who takes over an idle mind?????

It is NOT the Devil! Gotcha, didn't I? It's his principal agent on the scene - YOUR sub-conscious mind (SCM). IT sees a fertile, fallow, empty field & floods it w/ unpleasant thoughts - all to make you feel crappy - & it works.

Again, BTDT. Look at all the negative thoughts you harbored today. Husband probably home, wanting to relax. You wanted to relax, also, but feelings of guilt/inadequacy, etc. filled your mind. All of what you perceive to be shortcomings just flooded in.

Ask yourself - do you WANT to be sick/incapcitated? Do you want to be a financial parasite? Do you want to shirk what you feel are your duties/responsibilities? I could go on with a list of questions a foot long, all of which you would answer "No" to.

Let me remind you of an oath you both swore to - it included the words "...to love, honor, cherish, (Maybe obey), in sickness and in health, etc." Well, you are now in some of the harder parts of that oath & things are getting tough.

Let me give you a further thought or two. 1) once upon a time, a very long time ago, lived a man named Job. God & Satan had a big argument about how faithful Job would be under adversity. Satan was allowed to do anything to Job except kill him to test him. Well, it finally got to the point where Satan had taken away all Job's possessions & killed every member of his household, up to & including his wife. Satan lost the bet & was sent packing. Job's faithfulness never waivered.

Is it a fairytale? Who knows? But the morale of the story is that under adversity, one must be faithful to what one values highly.

2) Consider that class of men & women nowadays called "Wounded Warriors." They are fighting far more debilitating problems than any of us here. None of it is their doing. They may NEVER recover. WE at least have a fighting chance.

No matter how bad the situation gets, there are always some folks who have it worse. For us it is but a matter of time and patience & perseverance.

Now - try to find something positive that you can do to start baby steps toward getting your self reliance back. Can you start working again a few hours a day, a couple days a week - just enough to demonstrate to yourself that you can do it? Sooner or later you will need to get back in the work saddle again. Why not start NOW. You face the prospects of having to start full time working & it will be terribly stressful.

This will convince all concerned that you have not given up & become a parasitic malingerer - like you think of yourself right now. Most important is convincing YOURSELF that you can do it.

OK, session over - get off the footlocker & get back to work.

Oh, BTW - you wanna vent, do it. it helps.

Don

Thank you all!

by ohiolaura - 2012-07-23 12:07:55

I am going back to work this Thurs,and also Fri,then have 3 days off.Next week I go back full time,4 days a week,32 hrs in all.I believe I'll be ready this time.
Im at 3 weeks today since surgery,feeling better each day,physically that is.
I was just having one of those days yesterday.Maybe it was like Don said,sounds possible to me.Im better today,didnt sleep well last night,so I did fall back on an ambien,which was ok,as I would have been toast this am had I not gotten the 6 hr min I need.
Also,my husband and I had a little road trip this am,and since he was my captive in the car,I talked to him about my day yesterday.I kept it short and simple,which is what works best for him,and he seemed to get it.I know he's worried,about the heart health,he just doesnt see the internal struggle I have day to day,as Im pretty good at making things seem good on the outside.
I will get to see our oldest daughter Wed,as were helping her move from 1 apt to another at school.I saw her just before surgery and after,and then she had to go back.
It will do me well to see her again,and for the day.I just wish I could be more helpful with her moving,Im assuming I will be on opening box detail and thats about it.Im used to being the muscles in the family,never backing down from physical labor.Not now,oh well.
I know I need to be patient,as Ive said previous,its a fault I have,I just want it to be the way it was.Things were good then,and I do have enough of a positive attitude to believe it will be that way again for me.
Im a fighter,not a quitter.I just have to fight myself to relax and let time heal,and be patient.Ugh!
Thanks you all for the hopeful words,andpositive attitudes,as I have said,I appreciate it so much.
I have alot to live for,and plan on being around a long,long time,just have to take things at a slower pace for a bit,and try to enjoy the slower time in life..........

Glad to hear things are better

by ElectricFrank - 2012-07-24 01:07:34

They always seem to get worse just before they get better. The old docs called it the "healing crisis".

frank

You know you're wired when...

Friends call you the bionic woman.

Member Quotes

My pacemaker was installed in 1998 and I have not felt better. The mental part is the toughest.