emotional response to PM

This is my first post. I had my pm implanted Sept. 26 after being blindsided by bradycardia and syncopy. Right before going to surgery, my heart rate went to zero. My poor husband had to experience almost losing me. It gave me the final confirmation that I definitely needed it. But I am 51 years old, was training for my second half marathon, love doing yoga. I am a high school science teacher which kept me very active, and everyone including myself believed I was indestructible. Doctors do not know why this happened to me. I am physically recovering, but emotionally I am not too stable. I am scared for the future, am very forgetful, and everything feels too overwhelming. I went back to work sooner than I wanted, but I was not getting help making lesson plans. In fact I was lesson planning from ICU. So it seemed the easier path. Most days I feel rather ambivalent about living. I resent losing my previous life. I can be told I can have it again, but realizing that no one really can guarantee that, keeps me down. Yes, I never had a guarantee of that before this happened, but my ignorance protected me. I have been reading the postings on this site, and I feel so much less alone. Thank you everyone. I hope to get past this so I can be helpful too.

10 Comments

welcome

by Tracey_E - 2013-10-09 08:10:32

So glad you found us! Let me start by saying what you are feeling is NORMAL. Drs talk about the physical healing but never the emotional. It is a blow. We all think we're invincible, then one day we get smacked in the face with the knowledge that we are not. It takes time to get over that.

Second, go skim the last dozen or so posts. Just THIS WEEK we have had members post about a half marathon and a half ironman. We have bikers and hikers and weight lifters. There are professional athletes and Olympians with pm's. While it seems awful at first, we are actually pretty darned lucky. Most of us with electrical issues have a structurally normal heart and clear arteries. The pm wires around the short circuit and takes over where our wonky electrical systems let us down. If we have to have a heart condition, we have one of the few with a true fix, not a bandaid.

You have not lost anything. Really. I'm a few years younger than you (47) but got my first pm in 1994. I do Crossfit 5 mornings a week. I hike or ski most vacations, love to kayak and zipline. I have two high school aged daughters. I'm active at church, a Girl Scout leader, on the board of an animal rescue group, an involved band mom, a business owner. Believe me when I tell you there is absolutely nothing I want to do that I cannot. I feel great. People do not look at me and see a heart patient. Most would never guess my heart has been paced every beat for the last 19+ years unless I told them. (which is kinda fun to do, watch the jaws drop)

You aren't too far post-op and it sounds like you not only didn't get much time to think about it before surgery, but also didn't get much time to heal before jumping back into work. Cut yourself some slack. Allow yourself to grieve what you've lost. Remember that even though it's a minor surgery, it's still an adjustment to your body. Then count your blessings and get back to living, because there is absolutely no reason why this should hold you back for long. In a year or two, I'll bet you are able to look back on this as merely a bump in the road, and you might be the one here coaxing a newbie out of the blues.

And also remember you are not alone. Most of us don't know many people irl who are not retired but have a pm, but there are a whole lot of us here who have been around this block and will answer your questions, be your sounding board, let you vent. Glad you found us.

Same day!!

by lbdina - 2013-10-09 09:10:27

Hi Judy. I had my first PM implanted the very same day...Aug 26th. One difference (I think) is that I have had over 20 syncope episodes prior to my PM implantation. I just never knew what they were or what caused them. Those episodes were awful and they left me totally drained.

So, when I finally learned what was going on, I had the opposite emotional response...I was overjoyed to finally name the demon and know there was a viable solution. Man....what a relief. So, for me, it is a matter of perspective. To know that it is unlikely I will ever experience another nasty episode is an incredible relief.

I expect to live a long, normal life with my PM, continuing the activities that I love. I'm not sure what the future would have held without it.

Best wishes,

Lou

Judy,Judy,Judy.....

by ohiolaura - 2013-10-09 09:10:36

You sound like I did,so I can relate.
I had no warning really either,does 5 days count? That's the time from when I was told I needed a PM to the day it was put in.I was 49,last July.
I had so many of the same feelings,and issues.I got all the help Ive needed here,thank God I found this site on my own.So many wonderful people here who have oodles of advice and knowledge to be helpful.
I am back to being a force to reckon with ( ok,in my own mind!)
Stay here,ask questions,and know you will overcome this,and win.This place is a Godsend.
Hang in there,be tough,you are a woman, this you will overcome,and survive!
Laura

You're a Teacher

by Grateful Heart - 2013-10-09 11:10:02

So you know knowledge is power! Learn about your condition and device, then teach your husband too. It will help ease your mind and fears (both of you). BTDT

Go for a walk in the fresh air. Take in the sights of nature and breathe in deep. Feel your lungs fill. You haven't lost your life....you are still alive.

This is a bump in the road. You are in great physical shape if you run half marathons. You will get your second wind. Take the time you need to recover for now.

It is overwhelming to you right now, understandably. We only have one heart and it is scary and a shock to most of us. But like Tracey said, we have a fix.....we are soooo lucky!!

I wish I found this site when I was new to the PM/ ICD world. Glad you found us early.

Welcome to the club,

Grateful Heart

Emotional response to PM

by iheartemh - 2013-10-10 01:10:17

It sounds as though you went back to work too soon, and your body may not have been up to this. When we are overworked and stressed, it can cause such an emotional response. However, if you need help with this perhaps you should see a therapist.

Remember, a PM takes care of the "electrical" problem with your heart. It does take some getting used to it. Everyone heals at their own pace. The swelling and internal healing can take up to six months. Please keep all of this in mind and try not to dwell on why this has happened to you.

Since you are back at work would it be possible to temporarily lighten your work load at home? Hire someone to clean house, run errands, or whatever? Something like this might give you a bit of a breather.
Best of luck to you.

emotional response to PM

by judyblue - 2013-10-10 09:10:01

I cannot thank you all enough! Not only did you give me great suggestions, but I feel much less crazy for my feelings around this new "thing". It feels so good to know others have felt the same way. I want to get back to running, so I will be calling on some of you for that support. I am so glad to know forgetfulness is common! Again, thought I was losing my mind. I do think I found a plus to this: I am sleeping better. Makes sense because that was when I was experiencing the bradycardia (probably for years without knowing it).
This weekend I am going to walk my favorite trail (that I will run again) and let the sun hit my face. I have not done that for 3 weeks!
Thank you all again. This is an amazing site!
Judy

Welcome

by Bostonstrong - 2013-10-10 09:10:13

It has barely been two weeks since you had this surgery and you are already back at work, no wonder you are struggling. The anesthesia can cause forgetfulness and other effects. It takes time to process this. You were truly blindsided by this and then had the trauma of a heart rate that went to zero. That takes some time to wrap your head around!
Once your doctor clears you to run again you can resume your training. Private message me if you want encouragement with this, I ran the same night after I got my implant in June and ran my first half post pm half marathon Sunday. I had more time than you to get used to the idea of a pm and then delayed the surgery because I had a 1/2 in San Diego. Then ran another 1/2 in Maine 4 days prior to the implant. This weekend I met a runner doing the full marathon who was on his third pm! Talk to your doctor about resuming training when she says its ok.
Expect to be emotional for awhile, and ambivalent about the device. I still have occasional moments of self pity, sadness, and feeling alone with this, but they do not last long. There, I admitted it! More often I am grateful for the ways the device has improved my life. This group is hugely supportive and I am comforted knowing there are others who have been through this and live normal lives. When I got race nerves last week I reached out to a member here notorious for his tough love, Donr, and he encouraged me with a very inspiring true story that kept me going that last mile when I hit the wall. I wish you all the best and hope you will be feeling better soon. Keep us posted.

Teacher to teacher

by kermiehiho - 2013-10-10 09:10:46

I am also a teacher. I was hit by a car on my way home from school during my first year teaching and due to the injuries sustained from that, ended up needing a pm at 24 years old. I too was answering emails from my students and grading work from my hospital bed, and during the few hours I was awake after released from the hospital (pain pills made me sleep around half the day).

When I got back to school, I realized that I could no longer force myself to do everything in the world. Instead of one classroom, I had to go to five different classrooms, in three different buildings to teach. When I got back to school, I decided I would do what I could, but if I couldn't, then too bad. Remember, if you are super stressed, you can't be a very good teacher for your students. I think when I took on my post-pm philosophy, I started to enjoy teaching and the kids more. And I think the kids can sense that too.

Allow yourself the time to heal. And when the feelings arise, find some outlet for it. I personally found writing poetry therapeutic. But, as I'm sure others have also said, it's not so much that you lost your previous life. You've been given more life thanks to the technology available today. That's the way I came to understand my circumstances. Since the accident and pm, I've made personal choices to enjoy my life - I started playing volleyball again (and met a bunch of really wonderful people as a result), and I attended a Humane Society foster care orientation that eventually led to my adopting a sweet, loving dog. If there's anything you've ever wanted to do, but were so busy teaching you thought you couldn't, try it. You've been given the time.

Hello

by gil - 2013-10-10 12:10:03

I can relate with your fears about the future and life in general. I wish for you, all the best.

Re: emotional response to PM

by HK - 2013-10-12 02:10:13

Hi Judy,
I am 58 and on July 20th this year I was also blindsided by severe bradycardia with grade 3 to complete heart block. I was in CCU for 10 days, not allowed to move, watching the CCA nurses and docs working to save my life. It was an out of body experience and I assumed I was going to die. After 10 days I was so weak and debilitated I could hardly move and so with no choice they had to operate and implant a PM. I watched by wife and dtr suffer as they watched me slipping away. Once the pacemaker was in I started feeling better but was so weak from the prolonged CCU stay I had to fight to get stronger. I felt like the battle was with my PM but after 4 wks I was still weak but able to start driving and working (at least light duty). Now 9 weeks post implant I am starting to feel physically and emotionally better. I am no longer having nightmares and I do not have a fear of sudden death even though I know my pacer is pacing me at 100%. I want to live and I had to learn to live with my new friend (PM). You will get through this and you will be able to lead the life you had before. I was lucky to find this site and I am thankful for the help I already received. Stay in touch the people here are remarkable.
HK

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I am just thankful that I am alive and that even though I have this pacemaker it is not the end of the world.