to-night

i am praying for peter.nash. i lost my father 10 years ago and i was very close to him. it was 1998. he had chf and pneumonia for the 3rd time. it was a very difficul time for me. he had talked to my brother and me about his end of life wishes. i did not think we would have to act on them. he had been admitted for the 3rd time with chf and pneumonia. he was 87 . yes he had had a full life. i was working one floor below him on phsychiatry. i was called to say he had been admitted. his family dr. said don't worry you are doing the right thing. he said he will thrash on a respirator and you will never get him off. i cried my eyes out. my younger brother said you are killing the old man and you have no right. the lawyer had not talked him in years an he was so proud of him. he did not give him to the time of day.i was devestated. for months after i felt guilt. big time guilt. i hope i have helped someone else by talking about it. my brother the lawyer is still estranged from the family. he has not a good relationship in his life. even a bad relationship can be worked on but he chooses not to. hope this helps someone else see how dear life is jessie

8 Comments

when it is our time

by jessie - 2008-02-18 02:02:23

i do not carry this with me susan not anymore. at the time i would have liked my lawyer brother's support but since he has never taken care of anyone in his life or taken responsibility for anyone i know it was too much to ask at that time. my brother my older brother and i met with dad a year before with a social worker and asked him what his choice was and he decided at the time he did not want the choice of a life support. what made it so damn difficult was his mind was like he was 21 very sharp right up until the end. so what they do is start giving you morphine until you pass over. it wasn't easy to watch let me tell you because even when he was under he could respond to us and i carried the guilt for a long time. his family doctor reassured me that in his condition , he was in a wheelchair when up and had developed bedsores he had no quality of life.i wasn't referring to peter as peter is a good 20 years younger than my dad. i was ponting out our lack of control at a time when we sure wished we had control.so all i am saying to-night is this is my experience and i fear i will go the same way. chf and pneumonia no doubt about it. it runs in families. i only hope i can be stoic and endure it. i suspect tho that my father was also ready. jessie

Your in my thoughts!

by tcrabtree85 - 2008-02-18 02:02:53

Jessie,
You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am echoing what Susan is praying about. Stay strong my sister friend and know that many are here to support you also. Many thoughts,
Tammy

pacergirl

by jessie - 2008-02-18 04:02:04

it was his birthday this month and i have been thinking of him.my husband was very supportive of us my bother and me. it helped so much because like you say it is a tough tough call and i was not prepared for it because you never think you are going to actually have to do it. talking about it has helped more than you know. even tho it has been ten years i still miss him very much. he was a character. i took him to british columbia when he was 83 because he always wanted to see it. we had a ball and he really enjoyed it. i have the good memories. love does last forever. jessie

Jesse

by pacergirl - 2008-02-18 08:02:17

Here it is the morning and I usually enjoy a set routine. Today it is different.

I must take time to reply to Jesse's post. The sharing of the loss of your Father is so sad and yet very loving. You were there for him and you carried out the tough decisions which your Father had already made.
Love is a powerful.

This has nothing to do with anyone else. It has everything to do with baring your pain so that others can learn. It is not easy to let someone you love go or to watch someone you love pass. In this situation it was what he wanted. I have always thought that when someone passes.... loving them does not end. I can see I was right! Jesse just supported that theory.
Love will last forever.

Pacergirl

Memories...

by cottontop - 2008-02-18 11:02:17

Thank God for them. I am so glad you got to go on the trip to British Columbia before he passed. Love does last forever. I'm sure you do still miss him but I am sure he is proud of you for honoring his wishes. You have opened my eyes to the fact that I have not had this conversation with my parents as to there wishes. My mom is 80 and not in good health and my father is 83 and in good health. Through your story you opened my eyes and really touched my heart. Thank you and you are in my prayers. You are a wonderful woman.
God bless you,
Amy
































A great gift

by ElectricFrank - 2008-02-19 02:02:02

Allowing a loved one to have their wish at a difficult time is one of the greatest gifts we can give them. It is also not easy.
This is why it is so important to talk about it when we are healthy, and to discuss the implications.
This is true whether the persons wish is to die, or their wish is to fight for life.

I'll share a personal experience: The night 3 years ago when my HR suddenly dropped to 40 I had my wife take me to emergency. The ER was full of kids with the flu and I decided I didn't need the flu as well as a heart problem. She and I discussed the risks and decided to go home and see our doctor. I set the alarm for every hour during the night and checked my pulse to see if it was going lower. Before we went to bed my wife asked me what I wanted her to do if the alarm went off and I wasn't breathing. I told her to wait an hour or 2 before she called 911 unless she really felt I had a chance. She agreed. Interestingly we both slept well between alarms. I asked her later if she would have followed my request and she said "It would have been a terrible thing not to".

frank

My Grandpa

by Cathy - 2008-02-20 03:02:41

My mom has shared alot of wisdom and a great deal of pain. I loved my grandpa so very much. He was a kind, funny and sweet man to me. He loved reading the stock market and kept up to as long as he could. He was always chatting with me about how the world was and what should be done. I loved him for that because he was current. And as a teenager I thought it was cool that me and him could still find things to relate to. Not all grandparents are like that! We loved going out for coffee and chatting. But I think the most important thing to me was him meeting my daughter. He loved babies and thought Jessica was just it. At the end she seemed to know he was not doing well. At two years old she had the compassion and empathy of an adult. She would hug and kiss him and tell him how much she loved him. I know this made his day. I can't imagine having to make that decision about a parent or someone close to me, but the truth is most of us may have to. I think it is good to be able to communicate the feelings, even if it is not happening right now. I hope and pray that Peter is okay and I send my prayers onto his family. I think what my mom was faced with took a ton of courage. You want to protect and you don't want bad things to happen to the people that you love, that is given. And it what is so damn hard. I miss my grandpa big time and yes I also thought of his birthday but didn't want my mom to cry. I know how much she misses him, as she said, he was a character!!! But a character that would never hurt anyone intentionally, more like a big teddy bear. I think she has forgiven what has happened but it is always going to be hard with someone that you love. Anyway, Godspeed Peter and his family. Hopes and prayers come from the Rocky Mountains!!!

Take Care
Cathy Fillion

Thanks

by ElectricFrank - 2008-02-21 01:02:53

Cathy, thanks for your intimate sharing of your experience with your grandfather.

frank

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