Why can't I do that?

My husband is only home 2 days a month so I really live alone. I have had my pacemakermaker/defibular for 1 1/2 years. I HAD an above ground pool I really enjoyed....well my husband ripped it up and in the trash it went !!!!!!! He said what if that thing goes off then you drown or eletric shock being in water.....oh I just cried...I love to go yard sales..no you can getting in and out of the car so much..you could make it go off.I use to go to the casino once a month...no you can't the machines will set it off...I called my doctor and he said you can go..just stay 6 inches away.I am getting ready to have 3 different vacations, aweek each...he said if you go out of town and if something happens..your doctors aren't there.He said your alive..just stay around the house and enjoy yourself.......I know he is just afraid for me cause he loves me...yet I feel caged up and now I find myself not sharing things with him when he is at home for fear he will just get upset.
I am still going on my vacations with my family...and I pray it goes well or he will blame me and my family..I really miss my pool so I go swim at my sisters house....but I feel guilty.My doctor told me the reason I am doing so well is my positive thinking and I keep going.....Please does anyone know how I could get my husband to calm down so we could enjoy each other again.Fear can be so controlling. thank you for your time.

9 Comments

Your dear hubby...

by Swedeheart - 2008-05-06 01:05:06

SerenityMickey,

I understand how this is affecting you! I am sorry your hubby is so fearful, but it clearly is because he is worried he isn't there to take care of you and watch over you. The best advice I can give you is to talk to him about this.... alot! Be sure he truly understands your medical condition, maybe arrange to have him talk with your doctor one time when he is home... to hear what you can do "first hand".

I guess if I were in your shoes I would make a list of all the things you want to do, and why you can do them. Then (not all at once, maybe one thing at a time...) review them with him. Ask him why he is worried about you doing this or that... seriously listen to his concerns as well. If your husband isn't one to "talk" too much, then perhaps find one issue, and start with a little one... (small hurdles first) and discuss that. Once you make a little progress, continue to the next level, and then the next. Reassure him as well. I am sure you worry about him if he is gone working most of the time! Besides, the major injuries folks suffer, statistically, are often at home!

Do you wear a medicalert bracelet or necklace? Thinking about investing in a program might help bring your hubby some comfort. I have the medicalert.org group I deal with. They are world wide. They will not only contact my medical people, but family as well if I wind up in an ER or hospital. I feel I have a "voice" if I can't speak for myself.

We all worry about "what if"... but it will eat him alive and he will wind up with ulcers or high stress or something awful. Let him know you worry about him too. If it were me and I didn't get anywhere after a few months, I would suggest therapy to my hubby.

Good luck. It won't be easy, he is obviously really worried. However, I think it is more dangerous driving on the freeway than getting out of a car at a yard sale... you have to LIVE your life.

Swedeheart

YOU CAN DO THAT

by SMITTY - 2008-05-06 01:05:10

Hello,

I am going to be very blunt to the point many may call me crude. But I say what your husband is saying you can or cannot do is pure unadulterated B.S. He may love you with all his heart but with him being home only two days a month there is no way he can really know that much about your life. And the do's and don’ts he is handing you about your pacemaker defibrillator is malarkey. We have people posting messages about their doing those very things you are forbidden to do. The weakest of all is the one about getting out of the car and "making it go off." That defibrillator will "go off" when you need it to not before. As for the casinos, I have had my PM for several years and I have been to casinos countless times with no problem. Anyway, the machines will not do anything to your defib unit, and if they were to have an effect on you pacemaker you will notice it by an irregular heart beat. Get away from that area and the PM will return to normal operation, with no harm done.

His job puts you into a lifestyle that probably neither of you would have chosen had you had a choice. He lives his and I say live yours the way you wish and get over that thinking you are cheating. Just don't tell him, or in other words let your pacemaker/defibrillator become a none-issue. By having a lifestyle that you enjoy will make you a better partner for him.

As for getting your husband to calm down my only suggestion is to have your doctor tell him his fears are unfounded. He will not believe you or family members and he may not believe the doctor either, but his misconceptions about pacemaker/defibrillator are like that of too many people that do not fully understand that these things are almost totally fool proof.

By the way, my expertise for giving marital advice is based on being married to the same woman for 59 years (as of last month) and that woman has taught me many, many things. In my job for 41 years I traveled and was away over night 40 to 50% of the time. Many times I wished I was home, but it couldn't be so I always encouraged her to participate in whatever she thought she would enjoy. We were both better ofF for her activity.

I wish you the best.

Why?

by Smart Redd - 2008-05-06 01:05:30

It is my understanding that the implanted device is there to protect you from heart-health issues and allow you to enjoy a longer, better quality of life with your family.

If not, what purpose is the implant?

I don't know if it's a 'control issue' or it's a fear of being left alone without you. You would better gauge that since there would have been signs of controlling behavior before your surgery.

My DH has been unusually helpful and solicitous since 3/13/08 and my ICD, but he IS letting me set the pace of getting back to 'normal' life. Men can be such wusses when faced with circumstances in their family that they can't control or make right. (No offense meant, gentlemen. It is with loving humor that I accept DHs "hovering". He is a keeper!)

The more your husband knows the more reassured he should be. Ditto to the DR and/or counseling suggestions.

Redd

something to look forward to

by jessie - 2008-05-06 01:05:59

i don't care who you are how much money you have or if you live alone or with your husband . we all need something to look forward to. something we like to do. it is what keeps us all going in life. so he sounds as if he needs some health teaching re: your device. you might think about talking to your dr. he may talk with your husband about cans and cant's this other way is way to smothering. good luck jessie

Tell him

by Blueaustralia - 2008-05-06 05:05:59

I wonder if it is a control thing. My husband tried to say he was worried about this and worried about that and it was all news to me. Everyone is different. But me, I just live my life as I want to. I am too old to be controlled or told what to do. If my husband is worried then he can find out everything from the doc. He wouldn't listen or believe me anyway. I guess we have problems in different ways. It is a challenge to overcome them so don't lose your positivity. I would not feel guilty in seeking something that had been taken away from me. Do I detect a little healthy rebellion there? Take care hope you work things out. Sincere wishes Billie

right on smitty

by jessie - 2008-05-06 07:05:27

i am with you smitty and the advice you give is sound and just. he is not there so should she sit and wait? i think not. god for you for telling it the way it is. jessie

You should get counselling

by axg9504 - 2008-05-06 08:05:04

take your husband with you, if this behaviour persists. He needs to learn that your device is there to give you more freedom not to limit it. If I may be candid without trying to offend you some of the behaviour you described sounds more like punishment to me. Perhaps he will simmer down with time... Best wishes too

Hubbys :p

by pacergirl - 2008-05-06 08:05:30

Hi, I have a protective hubby as well. They can be difficult to live with.

This is how I got him some help...
I had my hubby go with me to see the specialist so the doc. could explain what would happen to me with and without the pacer. My hubby has relaxed some, but buys me anything I desire! That isn't always good either.

If I may suggest... have your hubby speak to your dr. Then go on vacation and have some fun. It does sound as if he (hubby) is scared of losing you and has tried to remove everything in your world that might cause you harm.

Getting in and out of your car at garage sales shouldn't caused you any trouble. If your like, why not invite hubby to drive you. Then he will be very near if anything happens. This may be just a phase for hubby to deal with.

I feel he might be feeling guilty because he is gone so much of the time. That is what happened to me. We are fine now... like I was saying, mine buys me anything I want... So I have quit mentioning what I want in passing because there is no more room in the garage!
Take care, I hope you have a beautiful day!
Pacergirl

YES Counselling

by dward - 2008-05-06 11:05:59

I agree with axg9504.
This is a matter for the pro's.
No matter how much you "love" a person, you need to remember that the person you love has to "have a life too".
It's like a parent being worried about their children. You can't keep them inside so they don't ever get hurt.
This DOES sound like a control thing - so PLEASE, get counselling.

You know you're wired when...

You need to be re-booted each morning.

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