Problems with coping....

• by sdjones
• 2008-02-09 12:02:12
• General Posting
• 1420 views
• 4 comments

I haven't posted in awhile. I have been trying to deal with my anxiety and depression. My PM was put in June 12, 2007.
Shortly after the implant I began to drive again(felt so very strange); I use to drive everyday and before the implant I was homebound for three weeks.

Then, after I began to drive, it seemed like all the places that Mama and I went to before I became ill they didn't seem like the same places anymore since I was 'different'.

I began going back into the grocery store(had to use the motorized chairs). I was glad to be going back into the store, but, I had to go slow because I still had problems with becomming short of breath.

I have been taking between 0.5 and 0.25 mg of Clonazepam/Klonopin two or three times a day for my nerves. Before the implant I had some problems with my nerves, but, nothing like the three weeks leading up to the implant or the time after. My anxiety was so bad before the implant that I prayed nighttime would come so I could go to sleep and not be aware of the anxiety. Then when morning came I could feel it welling up within me to torture me in the day ahead of me.

I can honestly say that the calmest night that I've had since May of 2007 was the evening I had my PM put in. I called my nephew at home, my family had just left to go back home, and told him that I went ahead and received the PM. He told me that he hoped everything would be ok and he would talk to me later on. I hung up the hospital phone and the words of Dr. Via resounded in my ears....'this will be permanent'.

But, I said to myself. This is not permanent, I will only need this until Jesus comes back. And I felt so calm. I hurt a lot, but, I felt the calmest that I have ever felt since last year.
I got a good night's sleep and woke up and enjoyed breakfast for the first time in 4 weeks.

I had to stay for a few more days in the hospital until some other tests came back. I checked in on a Saturday morning about 2 or 3 a.m. and checked out on a Wedneday about 11 or 12 p.m.

You see, I have had Chronic Fatigue since 1999, I have had problems with Irritable Bowel Syndrome, about three years ago I had my first ever panic attack while sitting at the computer. I didn't know what was happening and after a little bit it passed.

My attacks were mild for the next three years until this past May '07 when they were the strongest they ever have been. I had the worst ones when thunderstorms would come up. Before I loved storms; the winds would blow and the dark clouds would come up. I loved to hear the thunder and was never afraid even as a child. I remember walking up the street from Granny's to my house when a storm was coming and I would look up and those huge oak trees would be swaying in the wind. It was amazing.

Shortly after I came home I became depressed which hit me mostly in the evening. It was the first time I have ever dealt with depression and I hope that I never have to deal with it again. Thank God that it finally left. I felt like my insides were sinking and there was a hollow space within me that nothing could fill. It was horrible. I would get up, if I was sitting when it struck, and try to do some housework until it passed. Many tears fell during that time. Some still fall, just not as many.

About two years ago I developed swelling in my right optic nerve and I lost nearly all of the vision in that eye. Now it has drifted off a little to the right. I hope that it doesn't drift any further so it doesn't look too strange.

And in May of 07 my life took a new turn with a new health problem. I was out in my garden in early May and, taking my time, was turning up a small area by hand when my heart began racing. In the three weeks that followed, I would be confined to my home, not even able to get out of my computer chair to walk to the bathroom on my own. If I stood up there would be a great pressure in the center of my chest and my pulse would increase as well as my blood pressure.

During this time, my anxiety hit an all time high. I had two or three full-blown panic attacks where I thought my heart was going to come out of my chest it was beating so hard. The last attack came when we had a thunderstorm which produced a lot of hail. I covered my ears and my nephew rubbed my back and I did everything in my power to calm my heart down.

About a week went by and there was another storm called for....I just couldn't go through that again no matter what. I had the rescue squad carry me to the hospital. I told them that something was very wrong with me. The attending doctor wasn't going to keep me because she couldn't find anything unusual about the EKG. They gave me some Ativan 2.0 mg. and sent me home.

The next day is when my low heart rate began. I always thought that the Ativan caused it, but, it's been so long now that I don't know. My PCP gave me an anti-anxiety prescription Clonzepam/Klonopin 0.5 mg twice daily. I hate taking those things. But, it was the only thing that was giving me relief.

The next day, June 9th, I went back to the E.R. and told them about the low pulse. Again they didn't see anything wrong on the monitor, They ran a second test and saw something unusual. That's when they sent me to Roanoke for my PM.

I was in the hospital for about two days before I consented to have one put in. I cried and cried. Never have I had to deal with something like this before in my life. I know that I worried all of the nurses to death! I would call them into my room just to have someone to talk to about what was happening to me. I was so afraid. Ya'll know what I mean. You have to walk down that road to know.

It's been eight months since I had my 'procedure' and I don't have to use the motorized chairs anymore when I go to the store. I'm still on the Clonazepam because my nerves are making me miserable. What I've done with the nerve pill is to take half a tablet in the morning with one L-Theanine and that is helping. Then I take 2 L-Theaning about 2 or 3 p.m. and finally about 7 p.m. I take my other half of the Clonazepam.

When my nerves are flaring I get heart palpatations which make me more nervous. As long as I can stay calm I don't have too much trouble with the feeling that something is sitting on my chest or the irregular beats. Which makes my day go better.

These last few days, occassionally, I have had to go to 3/4 of a tablet in the morning when I didn't think that the 1/2 tab + the 1 L-Theanine would do the job. I don't know what to do. I hate to take the Clonazepam because I know that it is addictive and can actually make your nerves worse. However, I would rather take it than have to deal with my anxiety, which is major, all day. Most people that I've talked with only have anxiety occassionally as well as panic attacks. Mine is different. My anxiety punishes me from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. I just can't go through that again.

I really get a lot of help and encouragement from reading your stories and suggestions to each other. Even if I don't post, I'm still reading your recommendations and applying them to my life. I am so jealous that some of you are able to get out and walk, I love to walk. But, about three days ago I had to go into the courthouse to talk with someone on our real estate taxes and I went to the wrong floor. The correct floor was only 1 and 1/2 flights of stairs up. I have went up these stairs many times before PM and never had any problems.

When I got to the top and walked a few more steps into the Treasurer's Office I literally felt like I could not get a breath. I thought that was all behind me. The only time that I get out of breath now is when it's time for my nerve pill or I've walked to much in the store. Level ground isn't much of a concern for short distances for me.

That scared me to death which didn't help the breathing problem. Well, I tried to act like nothing was wrong. All the while trying to breath as slowly and deeply as possible. What seemed like hours went by before I could breath normally again. I'm sure it was only about 1 or 2 minutes. Just seemed longer.

What do ya'll think I should do? Do you think that it was the setting on my PM 60/135? Or maybe that since this was the first time I have really climbed that many stairs maybe that was the cause?

Since the onset of Chronic Fatigue in '99 I've never been able to do what normal people can do in terms of energy. Maybe I just need to begin going up some stairs a little at a time. Our back porch has 4 stairs and I only have a little out of breath problem which very quickly leaves and sometimes doesn't even happen when I climb them.

I was beginning to walk for the first time in 8 years before the PM implant. I would like to get back to doing that again, just not sure how to go about it. Like I wrote, I don't have the same energy as someone who doesn't have Chronic Fatigue.

I would also like to ask ya'll what you think about the Clonazepam? I have thought about some anti-depressants, but, I'm not depressed anymore. Just major problems with chronic anxiety. A CRT exam revealed I have about 30-40 small lesions on my spleen and blood work revealed a high count of Candida.

Do you think that the damaged spleen is partly to blame for my out of control nerves?

I'm sorry that I took up so much space and I truly do appreciate any comments from you kind people here on the board.

God Bless,
Sandra