Thanks

Thanks for all of your input, to set things straight it's not a joke nor am I in need of a pshrink,and I don't have a death wish. I do have issues with implanting foreign objects the human body be it mine or yours..it's not right. now we went back and forth about this and in the end it came down to being tired and beaten so I gave in. A fact that I am not proud of but there you have it. As for considering the consequences I have weighed everything time and time again and my answer is always the same. If I drop dead suddenly from vtach then that is my responsibility and know one elses. Can they take my Car? certainly they can except I've been driving all over the country with vtach for the last four years and it didn't seem to worry them at all. Do I want to die? No, but I am not in control of my own destiny now a piece of battery operated scrap metal is and that is absolutely unacceptable to me. If removing that thing means I die sooner than later then at least i'll go in peace rather than a shower of sparks

10 Comments

Tammy!

by cottontop - 2008-03-14 01:03:37

Well said! Tammy, I couldn't agree with you more. I hope you are doing much better yourself!
God bless you,
Amy

confronting life and death situations

by Elke - 2008-03-14 01:03:46

HI Roger,
I had my pacemaker implanted last August and I was depressed for a long time. I also hated the idea of depending for my life on a little piece of metal in my body. -I'm not a member of any religious organization or church, but I consider myself a spiritual person. I believe that all us have a purpose here on this planet . Sometimes it's hard to figure out what that purpose may be and it seems that in those times when we are confronted with our own mortality , it gives us an opportunity to rethink our lifes and get our priorities straight. What I'm saying is, that you are still here with us, and even though you amy be kicking an screaming through it all :-), you are here and there is a reason for it. There is no such thing as an coincedence.
Please give life another chance !
Elke

Frustration

by Nuka - 2008-03-14 05:03:56

Hi Roger,

Your posts have caused me to sit and think a while wondering just where exactly you are coming from.

Is it the fact that the ICD is battery operated and taking control of your heart when it can't function properly on its own or do you have a repugnance of any devices or aids that help you/us to function more efficiently?

You say in your post..."I am not in control of my own destination, now a piece of battery operated scrap metal is. That is absolutely unacceptable to me."

Please allow me to remind you that even without the ICD you...Roger...are not in control of your heart or your destiny. Your heart is in control here and you have no say about how it operates. The ICD is merely a device intended to give your heart a little help so you can get on with living.

I hear your frustration loud and clear and it saddens me that you are having such difficulty accepting the ICD. You certainly have the right to choose whether you would like to try to have a longer life with this device or if you prefer to risk shortening it by having it removed. But, I strongly urge you to keep talking to the folks here and try to work through this until you are satisfied that the decision you make is the right one for you and you have made it for the right reasons.

This might sound a little strong but since you are discussing the possibility of dropping dead yourself I am going to risk saying it. The thought of the possibility of dropping dead is much much different from the actual act of dropping dead. This is forever Roger, there is no going back and changing your mind so please give yourself time before making a final decision.

Please stay in touch and know that we hear you and are hoping for the best for you.

Nuka

wow!!!

by rdelvis07 - 2008-03-14 07:03:06

Wow I really don't know what to say all I know is I really wanna try and help!! Sounds to me as if u are having a really hard time...as most of us do after implant. (Mine was just in jan and I'm only 21) I do wanna ask u something. U say u don't want it in at all and the finally talked you into it. Well please think about that harder b4 u have it removed. There was something inside of you that told u to get it or u wouldn't have gave in. U seem like someone who knows what they want, so u must of thought it was somewhat needed. What changed ur mind about that? I don't wanna sit here and say ur so wrong or anything like that. Because I too had a very hard time dealing with all the ife changes! I went from being great to living with a pm. I wanna ask u think. Everyone has family. Do u have kids or grand kids? Ur right between my mom and gmaw ages and I couldn't imagin seeing them give up!! I'm sure ur family feels the same. That's why we call it fighting for our family and lives. Everything isn't going to go as planned. One more thing. I just wanna say how blessed we are to have icd and pm to help us. There are some things out there that they can do anything about and them people fight so hard and still loose their lives!! I hope this gives u a lil to think about. I'm really just tryin to help! Please know I'm not tryin to be harsh! Best of luck!! Rach

roger

by jessie - 2008-03-14 07:03:31

hi also privately e-mailed you. take it for what it is worth but you are a special person in my books jessie

whoops

by rdelvis07 - 2008-03-14 07:03:35

Sorry about my spelling and stuff its late.....I should have looked over it first. Hehe

Familiar

by hotform - 2008-03-14 09:03:14

Roger, this all sounds very familiar to me, because in May of 2005 when I was implanted, I felt the same way. I seriously considered not having it done and just letting nature take its course. If that meant that I died sooner, then I felt so be it. My wife and son weren't going to let me go on with my pity party and my stubbornness and talked me into to getting the pacer.
This has completely changed my life. I finally left the stupidity of religion behind when I realized that there was no higher power helping me. If there was, then you wouldn't need a pacer in the first place. If I could be God I certainly wouldn't make a world where people have to continually beg to me for their lives and health. I would make a world were no one got sick or diseased. In fact beyond God himself to just religion in general, if it weren't for the fact that the church suppressed science and medicine for hundreds of years and many scientists had to work in secret to get anything done. These same scientists were imprisoned by the church when caught. If science hadn't been suppressed then perhaps by now there would be cures for the heart problems we suffer, cancer, and dozens of other diseases.
After my pacer I went from being someone who waited on the almighty to help him through life, to someone who took control of his life. I am more outgoing, I have a better job, and I enjoy my life more for what it is, a short blip in the history of the universe. I have become much more interested in science and what makes things work, and I definitely find that I have a deeper love for my family. So for me, I went from a life of fear to one of enjoyment and opportunity.
For all of you out there who are going to answer this and tell me how God helped you or that I am wrong, save your time and breath. You are free to believe whatever you want and I am not coming down against what you believe as that is your choice. I am just saying that I came from a strict religious background (my father is a minister) and I see that it just was not working for me.
Ultimately everyone has to decide what is best for him or her. I felt exactly like Roger, but given some time, I went from a fear driven depressed individual, to the person my wife wishes I would have been years ago. Rick

RE: Familiar

by gsue55 - 2008-03-14 10:03:09

Rick,

I have to say, when I read your post it almost made me cry. It is Very powerful what you said.

I especially like this sentence

"I finally left the stupidity of religion behind when I realized that there was no higher power helping me. If there was, then you wouldn't need a pacer in the first place."

Roger, I went through the same feelings as you did. I had so many problems with my PM it about drove me nuts. I had a pocket revision done in Jan. and feel much better.

I went through a lot second guessing if I actually really needed it in the first place. After all, my heart only stopped for 19 sec. one time.

Well, everything was confirmed when this Tuesday I went into the hospital for another surgery ( On my shoulder..not related to the PM) and they told me that not only did I have a 19 sec pause but. I had ...had 2 30 sec pauses as well. I always figured I had them just by the way the Drs were acting and the EMT's.

I guess I just needed it confirmed for myself.

Hi Roger!

by tcrabtree85 - 2008-03-14 12:03:03

Hi Roger,
Welcome to the club. I have not had the time to read everything everyone else wrote so if I same something others said I will say sorry now.
I understand why you would not want a foreign object in your body who does? I sure as didn't want a computer like chip resting in my body knowing that everyone in my family was against it.
Though sometimes God places us through obstacles that we will never understand but just have to take on. If your not religious sometimes obstacles are faced and you fight them or you give up.
I don't see you as the type to give up I believe that you will be blessed. I hope that you can see the pros of having your ICD and also the cons but look at the pros. Traveling seems a part of your life you will still be able to travel it just may be a little harder at points with all the paperwork.
I would never sit here and tell you that you are wrong but I will tell you this a lot of us have been in the same boat as you are but have seeked each other to help us fight a battle that most of us sure as hell didn't want to face.
If you need somebody to talk to more feel free to private message me anytime. Many are here to listen. Many thoughts my friend!
Tammy

Please listen to Roger

by ElectricFrank - 2008-03-15 12:03:37

There is a lot to be learned by listening to Rogers posts. You might want to ask yourself why he isn't going around in constant fear of every missed beat and thump in his chest. Handling it this way goes a long way to having less problems.
I've wondered why some you haven't jumped me about the same attitude. I posted last fall about driving a Jeep over a 13,500' mountain pass on old dirt mining roads with an 800' drop off, and all this with a pacemaker. Was that my death wish? Heck no, it was my fun wish, but I was also aware that a short light headed spell would have put me over the side.
Roger, I don't have the same feelings about this thing in my chest as you do, but it may be because I am an engineer and understand what it is doing. If it really bugs you like you say, then it is probably not a good thing to have in there.

frank

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Hi, I am 47 and have had a pacemaker for 7 months and I’m doing great with it.